When I find myself closed off to love and to life, my husband’s gentle presence helps me to soften and re-open my heart and my body.
By Sonika Tinker
Christian and I had been busy. Distracted. More in our heads than our hearts and bodies. It didn’t help that we had an incomplete communication in the space – nothing major, but enough to create distance between us. Our bodies had a few weird aches and pains. We weren’t experiencing much flow in our workday, either. We felt a bit flat and off. I was definitely not in my feminine receptive loving flow – more in my masculine “doingness.”
So, last night, we told the truth. Cleared the incomplete communication. Shared our respective feelings of “flat” and “off.” We looked squarely at the changes that need to be made in our business to re-energize us and free us up to do the work we love. We honestly confronted the risks we have been avoiding stepping into.
And then came time for the very much needed “sinking-into” our hearts and bodies with each other in lovemaking.
I surprisingly felt a bit of dread about the whole thing. My body was so closed that mostly I felt like I didn’t want to open. I didn’t want to melt. I could watch my mind wanting to rush out to the kitchen to eat something, to watch something on TV, to check my phone or email for messages – anything to avoid sinking and melting.
I gave in to my mind and left the room. Ate an apple and responded to an email. But I couldn’t put off the inevitable forever.
So, eventually, when it was time for bed, I put on a shirt as a sign of sorts of my guarded, un-open heart. I dared to tell the truth about my resistance to opening. I told Christian I didn’t want to open to him.
Now, thank God, I am with a man who knows my deeper yearning: to melt into love and God through our bodies and hearts in sex. To let go of resistance and be fully present. To love and be fully open in my heart.
So he doesn’t pay much attention to my words, because he is listening to what is underneath my words: “Take me.” “Make me open.” “Melt my closed heart with your love.”
And so he meets my resistance with his strong, yet gentle, persistent presence. I feel the strength of his hands and body as he wraps his arms around me and holds me close.
I push him away, but he stays with me. He kisses my face and neck and keeps holding me.
He kisses me and senses my closed lips. He tries to tease me out. But I turn away from his eyes and lips and try to hide in his chest.
He stops for just a second to see if I am serious, to check if he really should back off. I love that about him — his heightened awareness and sensitivity to my body language and non-verbal communication. His checking in enables me to feel safe. I know if I really wanted him to back off that he would.
But deep inside myself, underneath this closed heart and body, is a desire to truly open and surrender to love, to melt. So I encourage him to stay, to continue to love me in spite of my “shut down.”
He needs that reassurance to proceed. It helps him stay present, helps him know he is doing the right thing.
Quickly reassured, he keeps being there with me, relentless with his kisses and eyes and touch. He knows I will eventually open, that I won’t be able to keep resisting his love, his approaches…
And he is right.
Within minutes, I start to cry. Then sob. My whole body releases the build-up of tension and resistance in my cells through my unstoppable tears. I can feel my body relax more and more through my crying, and my heart begins to soften. He just keeps holding me, telling me it is good that I am crying. He knows that my tears are essential to my opening.
The tears eventually stop, and then I am laughing and looking at him and touching him and opening my mouth and heart and yoni to him, and he meets me there. In this sweet soft open loving powerful presence place. And in the end we are melted and soft, a puddle of love, laying in each other’s arms.
We appreciate God and each other, for this delightful place of love and softness and strength and presence where all is well and good and right….
It never ceases to amaze me how I need to cry to soften myself out of masculine and back into my flowing easy open feminine heart. If he didn’t stay with me—if he took my resistance personally and stopped and turned away—I would never get to drop down into my tears and melt. We would never get to wash away all of the “disconnect” and “re-set” ourselves back to LOVE.
How grateful I am for the transformational power of Presence. And for having a man in my life who can funnel that presence through his eyes and body and call forth the deepest parts of my love. Blessed be.
This experience is a great example of the Law of Attraction: Because we both keep our sights on what we REALLY want – love, connection, pleasure, ease, joy – we don’t allow the “offness” and disconnection to win. We go for love winning!