After the last blog post I put out, Chris sent me this email about his girlfriend:
“I am afraid of her anger. I avoid confrontational things and I get silent and shut down when she gets angry. I don’t feel safe to express my wants and feelings if I think it is not what she wants. Then, I get even more distant because I am resentful.”
Chris is highlighting some of the biggest signs of what it means to “lose your power with women”:
– Have trouble saying No
– Afraid of her anger
– Avoid confrontation
– Shut down and get quiet
– Feel angry and resentful
Do any of these ring true for you? Do you recognize them from your own relationships?
The urge to avoid an intense outburst or a “prolonged session of processing”, as one man called it, is easily understandable.
But avoiding an outburst today fuels ten outbursts tomorrow. It’s like pissing your pants on a cold winter day to get warm: extremely short-lived benefit, followed by freezing misery.
In other words, it’s detrimental to relationship.
In Chris’ example, his girlfriend probably thinks he doesn’t care about her and doesn’t have the guts or ability to see a conflict through to resolution.
Plus, in seeing him turn away from her, she’s likely to conclude that something is wrong with her.
Then there’s the impact on Chris himself.
By not expressing his feelings and wants because they might not be what SHE wants, he is dis-empowering himself. In essence, he’s telling himself, “My wants and needs are not important – they might even be bad and make her mad.”
One of the central aspects of being powerful, of being in your power, is to be able to guide yourself from the inside out. In other words, to have your “emotional center of gravity” inside yourself.
This in stark contrast to Chris’ experience of trying to guide his actions based on what he thinks SHE wants. That is, to have his center of gravity outside himself.
For any of us to be powerful men and have powerful relationships, we need to be solidly rooted in our own wants, desires, and values, while at the same time being attuned to our partner.
Here are a couple of actions you could take …
- Look at yourself: Where do you guide yourself by what you think other people want?
- Take a risk: Say what you really feel and want, even if it’s not popular.
- Check out the Men’s Retreat I’m offering in January. It’s all about finding your power as a man. (It was sold out last week, but I managed to get the lodge to open up another 4 spots). Click here for more info …