The Closer We Get, the Flatter We Feel

“Intimacy Kills Passion!”

Experts have discovered that not all couples end relationships because they are unhappy and miserable. Many actually leave perfectly happy, intimate, loving relationships that are working.

Why? Why would anyone leave a good relationship?

Because they feel flat and un-alive in their relationships – they feel like passion is missing.
You see, there is an interesting thing that happens when we love someone and live with someone a long time: we lose our wild attraction for our partner. It happens to the best of us!

Why? Because intimacy and passion are two opposite and conflicting needs that we all have in relationship.

Think of these two needs like breathing. When you breathe in, you cannot simultaneously breathe out. You can do one or the other. One at a time. The same is true for intimacy and passion. You are either being close OR passionate. So the closer we are to our partner, the less passion we are likely to feel.

Let’s tease this out a bit.

One need we have in relationship is for intimacy, togetherness and connection. When we feel close, we feel comfort, stability, safety, trust and familiarity in our relationship. This need for intimacy and closeness is best met through complete honesty and transparency in our relationship. The closer we feel to someone, the cozier and sweeter our relationship feels.

We also have another need – for passion and adventure. This need requires space and separateness. It requires a willingness to risk stepping into the unknown. This energy is free, wild, edgy, reckless and self focused. Its components are the exact OPPOSITE of those that have us feel intimate with someone!

You might be able to recognize this in sex. The more attentive and careful we are, and the more we stay within the safe zone of what we know works, the sweeter our sex is. But it also has less passion and aliveness! Because, to create wild hot sex, we need to feel free and uninhibited to step into new places, to experience the mystery of the unfamiliar.

Sometimes why people have affairs or do porn or get divorced is to recreate that experience of the mysterious and unfamiliar in their lives. They miss the aliveness and passion that goes along with an adventurous spirit.

It’s ironic. Intimacy kills passion. The closer we are to our partner, the less space there is, an essential component of passion. The more familiar we are with one another, the less mystery there is between us. The more patterns we have in our relating, the less present we are to new experiences. The nicer and more caring we are, the less selfish we are and the less willing we are to take risks that might jeopardize our relationship.

So what can you do to create more passion and aliveness in your relationship? To prevent intimacy from ruining your great relationship, but without having to have an affair or split up!
couple jumping to the sea at sunrise
Take risks regularly. Break up patterns. Do things you have never done before! Have a picnic in the living room. Try a new sexual position or do something sexually you have always wanted to but been too afraid to.

Go out on dates to places you have never been before – museums, comedy clubs, or classes.

Play games that encourage you to risk fully expressing yourself. Create mystery by talking about aspects of yourselves you have never talked about. “If You Really Knew Me…?”

Make requests for things that really matter to you, especially if you think you might not get it. Take space apart so you can appreciate missing each other and the thrill of reuniting!

Talk about where you play it safe in your relationship, and what you would do if you stepped outside your comfort zone, and then take those risks!

Consciously move to take care of these two important needs and keep the best of your intimacy and passion in your relationship! Both are essential for a thriving relationship!

P.S. If you would like to revive either your intimacy or passion in relationship, join us for the Couples Experience! In this course, we will support you to get closer to one another, and to dare take fun risks together to spice up your passion! More info here …


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