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Monthly Archives: July 2019
A married man we know came clean with his wife about using pornography and his newfound desire to quit. She was shocked. She had no idea. They had always prided themselves on having an open, honest relationship and a fulfilling monogamous marriage. She felt profoundly betrayed by his secrecy and sexual activities.
She found herself caught in a bind. Should she appreciate him for telling the truth and use his admission and commitment to quit using porn as evidence of his trustworthiness? Or distrust him for lying in the first place? And what did that mean anyway? Had he not been sufficiently attracted to her or sexually satisfied in their marriage? Was that the reason that had him seek out other women in porn? If so, how could she compete with beautiful, young, sexy women on the screen? Was he just watching movies? Or was he hooking up with women live? For how long had this been going on? Could she ever trust him again? Would she ever be able to open her body and heart to him like she had before?
This couple was lucky, and determined. They committed to doing what it took to save their marriage and emerged from their porn experience feeling more committed and trusting and in love than ever before.
Another woman found out her husband was watching porn and hiring prostitutes when she saw his purchases on their credit cards. They weren’t so lucky. Their marriage ended in divorce.
One of the most recurrent problems struggling couples report is the presence and impact of porn usage in the relationship, usually, but not exclusively, by the male partner. On the part of most women, discovering a partner’s porn usage is akin to unearthing the truth of a hidden affair. Yet the user will often say that their porn usage is nothing more than an occasional recreational pastime that means nothing about his satisfaction in the relationship, and will readily deny any harmful impact.
Some have said that men watching porn is like women watching a good love story film – a fun, juicy experience from a distance that means nothing about their relationship.
But the disruption to a relationship when the use of porn is revealed or discovered, and the associated feelings of defensiveness, betrayal, rejection, shame, distrust, hurt, dissatisfaction, disappointment and blame suggest otherwise.
So do statistics.
Porn has become mainstream entertainment in our society. It is a global, estimated $97 billion industry, with about $12 billion of that coming from the U.S. Porn sites receive more regular traffic than Netflix, Amazon, & Twitter combined each month.
Porn is a favorite pastime for millions of consumers, and many have no idea what kind of harm they’re letting into their own lives, or the kind of exploitation they’re contributing to.
The scientific community is uncovering how pornography impacts individual wellbeing and functioning. This research involves studies on pornography compulsion, mental health outcomes, and body image concerns, as well as studies on sexual attitudes and behaviors. Studies show that porn usage is highly addictive – many even refer to porn as a “drug”.
Perhaps the largest impact of pornography on people’s lives is the ability to influence expectations regarding sexuality and relationships. A growing number of studies are documenting the negative effects of pornography on relationship quality, satisfaction, and commitment; as well as increasing the likelihood of relationship conflict and breakup.
Enough evidence has validated the concern surrounding pornography and the ties it has to global issues such as sexual violence, human sex trafficking and child sexual exploitation. A 2015 meta-analysis of 22 studies from seven countries found that internationally the consumption of pornography was significantly associated with increases in verbal and physical aggression, among males and females alike. And recorded child sexual exploitation (known as “child porn”) is one of the fastest-growing online businesses!
These issues aren’t going to change as long as society continues to deny the real, proven harms of porn. And our relationships aren’t going to improve and healthfully thrive unless we honestly and squarely talk about porn and its hidden impacts.
Much like Ester Perel does in her books about affairs, we need to remove the shame associated with porn. Shame keeps our porn usage in the shadows and ultimately fuels the porn industry’s growth. It also harms us more, as a society, as individuals and as partners in relationship. When we feel shame about porn, we don’t talk about it, and the secrecy and lies surrounding porn consumption prove to be just as harmful to the relationship as the use of porn itself, if not more so.
We need to be willing to honestly talk about what drives us to use porn, what it provides, and what it takes away. As best as possible, it behooves us to avoid blame and “making-wrong” when an addiction to porn is discovered or confessed. Instead, to offer support to ourselves and each other, to be patient and forgiving and forthrightly accountable, as we untangle ourselves from its addictive grasp.
To create a frank space to talk about porn, we also need to create less shame around the topic of sex in general. We need to be able to be candid about our sexual needs and desires, so that we can work together more effectively in relationship to create win/win solutions in the areas of love and sex.
While ethical porn can be consumed responsibly to spice up a dull sex life, so can educational sex films, tantric sex practices, fantasy, role-play, and workshops exploring sexual possibilities, to name a few. Porn does not have to be a part of our lives in order for us to experience varied, hot juicy sex. In fact, we would say, that the transcendent sexual experience available in full sexual expression with a partner in real time, coupled with deep respectful love and attention to the divine, far surpasses what porn can deliver any day of the week.
For hands-on help on improving your sex life, contact us to learn more about our Possibilities of Sex workshop November 23-24 in Auburn, or for coaching around sexual issues.
Do your own research. A few minutes on Google will show you a lot. For example, this article on Psychology Today with surprising statistics about porn use and who is using it.
You can also listen to Sonika’s super useful episode about how to have high, transcendental sex here …
Every day we are creating. Every minute we are presented with an opportunity to intentionally choose where to put our attention and focus. Why does that matter? Because what we focus on we get more of.
In the beginning of relationship, we focus on what we love about our partners. We focus on, and bring out, the best in each other. We delight in the pleasures and joys. We appreciate the little things and take time to acknowledge them. We expect, observe and speak the positive aspects of our partner with such overflowing abundance that we scarcely notice the flaws and breakdowns.
Over time, our attention narrows to what we don’t like and don’t want in our relationship and partners. In severe cases, we don’t see the beauty and loveliness of our partners at all anymore. We don’t feel good.
In an effort to get back to that blissful in-love state, we complain and yell and beg and withdraw as we try to articulate what is missing and desired. But working on our relationship doesn’t work! Our lack of relationship training keeps us inadvertently reinforcing painful patterns, rather than producing our positive desired results.
How can we use the art of creation to make changes in our relationship?
It has been demonstrated in quantum physics that we are continually interfacing with and changing reality with our expectations and observations. What that means practically in our relationships is that we can consciously create a great relationship where we are passionate and happy and intimate and sexual and playful, or we can, by default, unconsciously create shut down, unhappiness, arguments, disappointment, separation, loneliness and pain. We get to choose.
Every new minute is an opportunity to newly choose – do I reinforce creating what I don’t like and don’t want with my attention, or do I create more of what I DO want? Do I create more of what “has been” or do I create more of what “could be”? Do I focus on what is working or on what isn’t working? Do I appreciate what we do have, or complain about what is missing.
A successful relationship is merely a series of positive choices by both parties strung together over time. Today, I choose to focus on what I want to create. Today, I choose to create something positive in my relationship. Today, I choose to appreciate you.
But how do you shift your attention to something good when things are bad between the two of you? How do you begin creating what you want instead of what you don’t want with your partner?
There are many steps to this process, too many to include here. But, the first step is to clarify what you want. Your desires are the seeds of creation. They are very important to declare so you know what to nourish and focus on in your relationship world.
Take your complaints and problems and upsets – your “Don’t-wants” – and turn them into “DO-wants”. Feel the delightful excitement of imagining your desired outcome. Then take time to write out your best vision of what you want. Write it in the present tense. Choose words that bring to life the feeling experience you want to create in your relationship. “We are so excited to reconnect with each other at the end of our work day, and can’t wait to share with each other over dinner delights from the day.”
Knowing what you want is the first step to taking charge in the transformation of your relationship. Writing it down is a way to make it stick. Reading it regularly is a way to keep it present for you.
For inspiration, here is a snippet of our own relationship vision:
“We are celebrating almost fifteen years together. We are just as in love as when we first met. We daily enjoy the depth of our relationship and our shared love work in the world. We continue to drop down more and more fully into ourselves and with each other, and our intimacy often brings us both to tears. Our lovemaking is more present and intimate and pleasurable and creative than ever.
We use everything that shows up in our relationship as an opportunity to step more and more into the fullness of our power and love. We are committed to empowering each other’s Fullest Potential, and we daily live in a mood of appreciation and gratitude, for who we are, what we have and what we are privileged to call forth and create. We keep our focus on what we want to create, on trusting we can create whatever we want from nothing, and we don’t give energy to what we don’t like or want.
We call ourselves to rise in every area of our life. We examine and change un-resourceful beliefs and actions, and are a living inspirational example to others of what is possible. We inspire others by how we live, love and serve. Everyone we meet is enriched by our presence. We always remember that we are unlimited, that all things are possible, and we fearlessly reach out in love to be of service to others.
Life is just so fun with us. Laughter is the predominant sound in our home. We love goofing around. We are very close to our children and our time together is full of laughter, love and learning.
We live a life of such magnificent harmony and wellbeing – life unfolds in miraculous flow. Our experience of being in love, united and aligned is beyond words. We feel as though every step we take is inspired and guided by Spirit. Every day we tune into and follow impulse, amazed and surprised by the mysterious and perfect unfolding of both our simplest and grandest desires.
We begin each day grateful for another day of shared life together. And we end each day in gratitude and appreciation for this grand life and love we share.”
Over the years, we have written many different versions of our relationship vision. It is like a work of art – it always evolves.
We encourage you to write up your own relationship vision. Envisioning and writing down what you want is a powerful first step towards creating change in your relationship world. Your vision can serve as a guidepost. It can help to steer your focus and influence your choices in the steady direction of your relationship dreams.
If you want practical help to realize your vision and create a more fulfilling, joyous relationship, check out our workshops and coaching sessions at loveworksforyou.com