Monthly Archives: April 2018

The Quality Of Your Life Is The Quality Of Your Relationships

We have worked with several men and women the last few weeks – couples feeling distant and lonely, fighting over stupid stuff, desperate to find their way back to each other – many considering divorce; and singles feeling hopeless and lost. They all shared how they felt depressed, bored and uninspired in life as a result of their unhappy relationships.

Within a short time of working with us, couples are looking at each other like they haven’t in years, sharing their deepest feelings in safe space, and feeling connected, hopeful and in love again.

Singles are feeling loved, seen, safe, powerful and beautiful, full of hope and possibility.

I know this might sound like “too good to be true” stuff, but it happens all the time, I assure you.

A man at our last workshop came up to me and said, “When I came on Saturday, I was feeling so angry with my partner and unsure about whether or not I even wanted to stay in this relationship. After this weekend, everything has changed and I am leaving feeling re-committed and in love.”

A woman said, “Wow. We haven’t felt this close to each other for years.”

And a single man said, “I got to have the experience I have wanted my whole life this weekend. Now I know that I can create that anywhere.”

I could list hundreds of examples.

The thing is, resolving conflicts and getting back to love is easy when you know what to do. Easy.

But humans are funny. For some reason we would rather struggle on our own for years and years rather than invest in a few weekends to learn skills that will save so much heartache and misery down the road. Most don’t even think to get help until someone walks out the door.

Not just in your romantic relationships, but in every relationship.
That’s right. We help anyone improve any relationship.

We’re like a one-stop shop for all your relationship needs.

Jeremy is a more effective restaurant manager.
Charlene, Kay, Greg and Cari are all better doctors.
Desiree is a better school psychologist.
Jerry is a better lawyer.
Amy is a better nurse.
Maria is a better therapist.
Vicky is a more loving and happier mother.
Jeff is now on good terms with his ex.
Mike and Jean created a breakthrough with their teenage son.
Mark, Mary, Machen, Laura and countless others have saved their marriages.
Paige, Andy, Samantha, Kate, Jessica, Diego, Grace, Jeremy, Naomi and many others have found the love of their lives after years of being single.
Beth, Kate, Molly and Jennifer all started families after resolving their relationship struggles.

You can’t keep doing the same things over and over again and expect different results.

Marriage, sex, dating and parenting do not get better by themselves. In fact, all professional experience, and lots of statistics, will tell you that you are headed towards divorce, separation, loneliness and dissatisfaction without some sort of effective intervention or education.

But with the right support and tools, any relationship can be improved!

For example, one couple came to us as a last ditch effort after he had an affair with another woman. They were both pretty sure that divorce was the only solution for their problems and past hurts. They have since forgiven each other and themselves and are enjoying the most sensational second honeymoon!

And Laurette was feeling so wounded she wasn’t sure she ever wanted to be in a relationship again. Now she is enjoying a wonderful new man!

Our workshops and programs offer a safe radical innovative approach to relationship that allow you to create what you REALLY WANT: connection, fulfillment, freedom, love, peace, aliveness, and bliss. We help you realize your Full Potential in your relationship world, teach you how to use the problems and challenges in life as stepping-stones towards your dreams rather than obstacles on your path.

To incentivize you to take the risk to jump in on a program that will catapult your relationships to new heights, we are offering a 2-for-1 spring deal for our upcoming two-day relationship training, Give Yourself to Love: Creating Relationships that Call You to Rise. May 5-6 in Auburn, CA, 9-7 PM both days.

Don’t suffer any longer. Seriously. Improve your relationships. Improve your life!

And do it now for the reduced investment of just $397 for any two people, May 5-6 in Auburn, CA!

Watch the video and get the details here: www.loveworksforyou.com/gytl

See you there!
🙂 Sonika & Christian

 
 
 
 
 
 

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Life Is Short

Christian’s father lived a long and good life. He had four children, 13 grandchildren and was married for 53 years to a sweet loving woman. A couple of weeks ago, he pulled out his feeding tube and declared he was ready to die at the age of 80. His memorial service is tomorrow.

Two teens, a sophomore and a senior from Nevada City, recently had their lives cut short when an intoxicated 21 year-old young woman crossed the meridian on Highway 5 over Easter break and slammed into their car.

Minutes ago, I heard that a woman we know and love, beloved Lea Hume, was found dead after having gone missing while suffering from depression. Many family and friends are shocked.

And just last night, I coached a couple that just barely survived her leaving him for another man after 8 years together. They are breathing a sigh of relief at having re-discovered in the process how much they love each other and don’t want to be apart.

“All of our relationships are going to end – sometime, somehow. Either by separation, divorce, sickness, or death.”

The truth of that statement can be frightening. Or enlightening.

So many of us live life believing that death and illness will escape us, that our marriages will last no matter how mean-spirited or disconnected we are, and that conflicts and problems will miraculously fix themselves without work or effort. We continue on day after day, caught up in our computers and phones and TV’s, blind to the fact that life is short, today is all there is, and love is the only thing that matters.

None of us know how long we have. And the fact that all relationships and lives will end somehow, some time, can actually be a source of inspiration if we allow it to be.

A friend of mine, Evy MacDonald, was given 6 months to live with an ALS diagnosis. She described herself as a “bowl of jelly in a wheelchair”, when she made the decision to master unconditional love before she died.

She started with her own body. Everyday she sat naked in front of the mirror until she found something of her body to love and appreciate. It was hard at first. She started with hair and nails, and worked up to the more challenging areas.

Next she focused on the people in her life she needed to forgive. One by one, she reached out and offered apologies, asked for forgiveness, and forgave others for past grievances she had carried.

Her heart began to explode with love and, miraculously, her health began to improve. Within months, there was no sign of ALS, and it has not returned for the last 35 years. She is now a minister on the East Coast, making her life count with the people in her community.

Evy used her death sentence as an opportunity too shift her thinking, clean up her relationships, love herself and be a contribution to others.

You can do the same thing in your relationships, and preferably before you are forced by dramatic circumstances. Use the fact that your relationships will end someday to inspire you to appreciate what you have, to enjoy the moment, to reach out to one another in love, and to get help when you need it, so you don’t waste precious years feeling stuck and unhappy.

One couple I worked with recently finally reached out for help. Married for some 30 years, they came into my office and vulnerably shared how lonely they feel, how much they miss each other, and how frustrated they are at not being able to create connection with each other despite their frequent attempts.

In just an hour with my support, they dropped into their hearts and found the connection they have been longing for. They left with concrete tools for how to create love and closeness with each other, grateful for the chance to build a fresh new relationship together.

Christian and I use the fact that our time together is temporary (emboldened by our two-year long distance relationship and Christian’s father’s recent death) to continually appreciate the little things, like getting to wake up together every morning or share coffee and tea in the afternoons.

Christian’s limited mobility from a herniated disc these past several months have given rise to even deeper appreciations for health, sexuality vibrancy and the sharing of deep feelings – all of which have brought us closer to each other.

You can choose to let death be your empowering friend, nudging you to make the most of this life. You can let death guide your heart to make relationships and love your priority.

How would you be different if you knew your relationship was going to end? What would you do with your spouse? Your children? Your parents? Your best friend?

What would you do differently if you remembered life was short and you knew you deserved to be happy and to live a rich, full, empowering life? What risks would you take if this were your last week alive?

Who would you reach out to if you knew you might not have another chance? Who would you regret not saying, “I love you” to?

Ask these questions. Take the actions these questions inspire. Notice what shifts as you do. Use the inevitability of death and divorce and sickness and life struggles to crack open your heart, daring you to give, love and live just a little bit more!

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

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Creating Intimacy And Improving Communication

To improve security, we recently moved our entire website to a different server. As I was checking it out to make sure everything was up and running, I came across the testimonials page where a couple talked about how they went round and round on the same issues, and took turns feeling disconnected and shut down before they came to work with us.

Just today, a woman called me to say that if she could do it over, she would have picked a different man to be her husband. “He just doesn’t hear me when I communicate”, she said.

Another gentleman told me that after an almost-separation from his long-time girlfriend, he is finally ready to work on his relationship. “We both feel so judged by each other. We need to learn how to listen better to each other.”

Relationships can be hard. It’s easy to fight about the same things over and over. It is tempting to lose ourselves in our favorite screen and hope our problems will get better by themselves. It takes courage to improve our relationships and to dare learn a new way to communicate with each other.

One of the questions we hear often from the people we work with, is “How can we create more intimacy and connection in relationship with less reactivity and judgment?” In this article, we will offer a few different ways to increase intimacy and improve communication in relationship.

Get curious about your partner
To create more intimacy, it is imperative that we take time to step into each other’s worlds: to listen, to ask questions, to encourage the sharing of feelings, desires and thoughts without limitation or restraint, and to safely explore and discover the other person with curiosity, mindfulness and an open heart.

Often, we are oddly reticent to spend too much time just listening to our partner, or someone else. We are afraid to step into another person’s world. There is a concern, that if we really hear and understand our partner, really get their needs and concerns, our needs and opinions will get lost. We are afraid that we won’t get what we want if we don’t get our own needs across.

Consequently, with both parties fighting to be heard and no one listening, conversations tend to stalemate and go nowhere.

Therefore, any structured conversation that interrupts the usual batting back-and-forth style of communication and allows for both people to be heard, will be useful for creating deeper intimacy and connection.

Focused Exploration One Person At A Time
One way to deepen intimacy and interrupt fights is to take turns asking questions with the intent to learn more about each other. Agree that you will focus on one person at a time for, say, 10 minutes before shifting to the other. Knowing that you will both get to talk and be heard will help you feel relaxed.

Pretend you are listening to someone you don’t know at all. Be committed to discover something that surprises you. That will help you cultivate a curious mood as you explore.

Ask questions you authentically want to know more about. Any open-ended curious question will do. “How is that for you? How do you feel about that? What do you want? What are you afraid will happen if you don’t get that? What do you want me to really know? If you could have it your way, what would you change? Would you be willing to say more about that? Why is this really important to you? If you could go back and change anything, what would you change?”

Once one person has had a chance to share and be heard, switch roles.

Heart Shares
Heart Shares are a variation of the Native American talk circle, where the person with the ceremonial pipe has the floor to talk without interruption. Everyone else just listens until the pipe is passed.

Heart Shares are great practice for learning how to not react when triggered, and how to share from your heart without blame, criticism or complaint.

For couples, one way to do Heart Shares is to sit near or in front of each other with eyes closed, to eliminate visual distractions, and having cleared away all other distractions. Speak honestly and vulnerably in “I” statements as you go inward to discover and reveal your self. Avoid “you” statements and put-downs to make it easy for your partner to stay with you. Whoever has the floor first speaks until they declare they are complete, or when the agreed-upon time is up. Their partner then only says “Thank you” with great sincerity before taking their turn to share. (To keep Heart Shares safe, it is imperative both parties agree to not use against each other whatever is said in a Heart Share.)

Share. Then Respond.
Yet another way to increase intimacy is to take turns, sharing and responding without interruption, so that both people feel heard and both have a chance to respond on a topic. One speaks his or her mind and the other responds, after which they both repeat that same sequence. Then both parties switch roles.

Paraphrase Back
Take turns sharing and repeating back what you heard to be sure you are getting what the other person is saying correctly.

Light-Hearted Questions Practice
You can ask light-hearted questions to help create connection on non-triggering topics as a way to practice listening and exploring, which will make it easier to tackle more challenging topics later. Questions like, “If you could have any super power, what would you choose and why?” or “If you could go any place in the world for three weeks on a paid vacation, where would you go?” or “What is your sweetest memory of us?”

Conclusion
Remember that whatever the other person thinks or does makes sense from their point of view, and that there is a positive intent and desire underneath their feelings and behaviors. Taking time to listen and explore will increase understanding, build compassion and open you up new possibilities for connection.

We recommend you pick just one of the suggestions above and try it. Just see what happens. You might just surprise yourself with how quickly you can produce a sense of shared intimacy.

 
 

 
 

 
 

 
 

Posted in Conflicts, Couples, Love, Marriage, Relationship | Comments Off on Creating Intimacy And Improving Communication