Monthly Archives: September 2015
We’ve been struggling with something of late …
How to speak completely authentically from our hearts without compromising our standards and values!
If you know us, that might sound odd to you, because it’s not like we’re hiding and don’t show our faces!
But we are aware that we could speak our truths stronger still.
So why haven’t we done that fully?
Honestly, because we’ve been afraid people would get pissed off at us! And “people” could be YOU right now!
We once had a coach who said, “I don’t give a shit if you like me!”
She’s talking to us, her clients!
She’d say, “It’s not my job to make you like me! It’s only my job to help you achieve your goal, that’s all I care about!”
At the time, that seemed pretty harsh to us. You know, we’re relationship coaches, we protect relationships and do our very best not to burn bridges.
More and more, however, we see the point she was making (even if we might never express ourselves like that).
And that’s what we’re afraid of.
That if we speak the full extent of what we know to be true, you’ll think we don’t care about you, that we’re bad people. You’ll think we’re jerks and go away!
But truth will out, and we are deciding to jump, risk, and trust that it’ll all work out, and that those who are inspired by our message will come along for a powerful ride of love.
And those who don’t see things our way … we wish them luck finding what they’re looking for!
So what would we say if were saying it all with no fear of not being liked?
And if your relationship is NOT that, that means other parts of your life aren’t great either! And if that’s the case, do something about it! Quit suffering in safe settling.
Quit taking crap from yourself or your partner about why it’s not being better already. Quit blaming ANYONE, including your partner, for all the breakdowns.
Start using your love life for a much bigger purpose than filling your needs for safety and physical affection. Start using your relationships to grow yourself as a human being!
And stop accepting ANY excuses you can come up with that justify your current predicaments.
Just like we choose to take the risk and speak more and more boldly, we hope it’ll inspire you to take a risk too! Speak the truth about where you’re settling for less than full-blown love, fun, and powerful growth.
Dare to say to your partner, “Hey, we’re not as happy as we could be”, and vow to do whatever it takes to put you on an upward spiral in your life! Make a bold move!
Take a training with us, or with someone else who’ll stretch you beyond your current limits.
And please don’t fool yourself into thinking your relationship is “allright”, when it really isn’t. You know, if you think “allright” and “fine” is good enough, then you might be one of the people we can’t help.
We decided a long time ago that “allright”, which is the same as mediocre and settling, was not going to be good enough, ever! I’ve already spent enough years wading through oatmeal … bllllllllllpppppppprrrrrrrr! Grey, uniform lukewarm mediocrity!
How do you know if you’re settling?
If you accept “things as they are” even when it doesn’t feel great
If you don’t talk to your partner about anything other than logistics
If you get angry a lot
If you’re not sleeping together, and having wonderful sex
If you’re avoiding each other
If you don’t feel a tingle when you connect eye to eye.
If you’re just not listening to that little voice saying, “Somethings gotta change”
If you’re sick of being alone
If you’re not enjoying yourself while you explore new relationships!
If it’s hard for you to get out and put yourself out
If you feel love and touch deprived
If you weren’t settling … if you didn’t accept “alright” as good enough, and if you didn’t care what anyone thought, what would your relationship life look like?
Every day we are creating. Every minute we are presented with an opportunity to intentionally choose where to put our attention and focus. Why does that matter? Because what we focus on we get more of…
In the beginning of relationship, we focus on what we love about our partners. We focus on and bring out the best in each other. We delight in the pleasures and joys. We appreciate the little things and take time to acknowledge them. We expect, observe and speak the positive aspects of our partner with such overflowing abundance that we scarcely notice the flaws and breakdowns.
Over time, our attention narrows to what we don’t like and don’t want in our relationship and partners. In severe cases, we don’t see the beauty and loveliness of our partners at all anymore. We don’t feel good, and in an effort to get back to that blissful in-love state, we complain and yell and beg and withdraw as we try to articulate what is missing and desired. Our lack of relationship training keeps us ineptly reinforcing painful patterns, rather than producing our positive desired results.
What they have proven in quantum physics, is that we are continually interfacing with and changing reality with our expectations and observations. There is no way anything just “is”. This “observer effect” is always at play in our lives and relationships. We are determining what shows up in our world by what we expect to see and experience minute by minute.
How that relates to us in relationship, is that there is no way we just “are”. There is no way your partner just “is” and there is no way you just “are” either. We are potentiality in motion. Who we are in relationship is who we co-create ourselves to be with our intention and focus.
What that means practically is that we can consciously create ourselves to be who ever we want. We can consciously create a great relationship where we are passionate and happy and intimate and sexual and fun, or we can by default, unconsciously create shut down, unhappiness, arguments, disappointment, separation, loneliness and pain. We get to choose. Every new minute is an opportunity to newly choose – do I reinforce creating what I don’t like and don’t want with my attention, or do I create more of what I DO want? A successful relationship is merely a series of positive choices by both parties strung together over time.
But how do you shift your attention to something good when things are bad between the two of you? How do you begin creating what you want instead of what you don’t want with your partner?
There are many steps to this process, too many to include here. But I will say, that the first step is to clarify for yourself what you want. Your desires are the seeds of creation and very important to declare so you know what to nourish and grow on your relationship path. Take time to write out your best vision of what you want. Take your complaints and problems and upsets – your “don’t wants” – and turn them into “do wants”. Feel the delightful excitement of imagining your desired outcome.
Very important. Write your vision in the present tense. “We listen to each other. We enjoy being together. We appreciate each other every day….”
Knowing what you want is the first step to taking charge in the transformation of your relationship.