When you argue or have repeated, heated “discussions”, you are most often very present to all the places where you and your partner are different! After all, if you weren’t different, if you didn’t have differing stances, you wouldn’t be having any problems, right?
So if only you weren’t so different, your relationship would be easier. Or so it sure seems! How often have you or a friend of yours ended a relationship with the reasoning, “We’re just too different!”?
Well, you’re right! You are different. And that is not likely to change any time soon. Perhaps when you’re dead, but we’re not even sure about that one (eye witness reports are scarce:)
Your differences are not necessarily a problem at all, but it does take a bit of conscious practice to not get consumed with them. Especially when there’s conflict and the emotional temperature is rising.
But the fact is, the more you talk about, point out, notice, and declare your differences, the more distant and separate you feel from one another.
So, a simple way to change things around is this: Look for where you are the same! You’ll find lots and lots of examples.
We’ve all been there … you have the same pointless conversations and dumb arguments over and over again. Every time, you (silently) ask yourself, “Why are we even having this conversation again?”
You hope that by talking about it it’ll finally be resolved and go away. But it hasn’t – obviously – or you wouldn’t be having this conversation again!
Once you’ve reached the point where you’re just repeating the same-ol’-same-ol’, you might as well stop talking about your problems! If you haven’t solved the issue by talking about it for years and years, you’re not going to solve it until you find and learn a better way to do it.
So for now, stop talking about it! Watch the video for more …
NOTE: We’re in no way suggesting you don’t deal with your legitimate problems and frustrations!
Wouldn’t it be great if you could just once and for all settle your disagreements, resolve your conflicts, and then be done with it, forever! Aaaah, what peace!
This is the state most of us aim for in our relationships. We talk and talk and talk; fight, argue, yell, withdraw, and nag in the vain hope (or “secret fantasy” as we call it) that one day we’ll get it settled and we can rest.
If you’ve been in any significant relationship lasting more than a few months, or at least past the Honeymoon Phase, you know very well that that conflict-free day never arrives.
We had a couple in our office the other day. Beautiful couple, well-spoken, pleasant demeanor, intelligent and well-intentioned. And they’d been arguing ever since the honeymoon ended years ago, about pretty much the same stuff over and over again.
We want to tell you what we told them, for starters. It may sound overly simple, but until you really let this sink in, you’re set up to have the same conflicts continue in a never-ending, life-sucking loop.
The ONLY reason you keep having the same arguments and frustrating conversations over and over again is that you don’t have a reliable and effective way to deal with your conflicts. If you did, you wouldn’t need to have the same argument twice, ever!
If you’ve been having the same fights and arguments over and over again, you can know with certainty that the way you’re going about it is inefficient at best, pointless and counterproductive at worst.
Until you find and learn a reliable, effective way to deal with your conflicts, you may as well stop talking about them, because chances are every time you do, you just end up more frustrated!
Stop wishing for conflicts to go away. They won’t! As a matter of fact, you don’t even want them to go away, not really. Contrary to what most of us automatically believe, having conflicts is not a sign that something is wrong with you, your partner, or your relationship. Your conflicts are actually born of your commitments and desires, and can and should be used for the purpose of deepening intimacy and strengthening your trust.
Granted, it does take some skill to navigate conflicts with grace and efficiency. But I’ll tell you, if we could give only one gift to any couple (or anyone in relationship, period), amongst all the crucial and must-have skills and traits that exist, we’d give them the skill and ability to deal with their conflicts in a good way.
Even if you have everything else going for you, if you don’t have the conflict-piece down, your chances of lasting love and easy happiness are extremely slim. The road to happy-ever-after is strewn with the carcasses of potentially wonderful relationships that expired because the little conflicts mounted and took the hopeful lovers out! And it’s just unnecessary to be taken down by the everyday conflicts, which are inevitable and which will be part of your relationship for as long as you’re together.
Lastly, we want to give you a new way to begin to think about your conflicts. This shift alone has made a massive difference for so many people (us included).
Your conflicts don’t happen TO you. They happen FOR you.
Conflicts show up for you, and for your relationship. What they’re designed to do is let you know that something new wants to happen in your life and in your relationship.
So moving forward, when your next conflict shows up, instead or arguing about it, or doing whatever you’ve been doing up till this point, ask yourself and each other, “If this conflict really were showing up FOR me/us, what would it want to tell me/us?” What is the “new” that wants to happen here?
Don’t resist your conflicts. Use them for a good purpose!
If it’s really true that you can manifest anything – or anyone – into your life by visualizing and feeling “as-if”, why don’t you already have all the love, sex, and money you desire?
If you’ve ever seen the movie The Secret, you may have gotten the impression that all you need to do to materialize any desire into your life is to visualize its presence and then try your best to feel as if you had it already, and then POOF! your desired item, or person, should arrive.
You might very well be thinking, “WTF! Either it’s not working or I’m not doing it right, ’cause I ain’t got all the money I want, nor all the love and sex, and my partner certainly hasn’t changed much, either!”
And if you go by the sometimes magic-sounding Law of Attraction advice out there, we can see why you’d be skeptical at best, or dismayed and resigned at worst.
So … is the Law of Attraction real or not? Is it a hoax? And if it’s real, how DO you use it for your own benefit?
Without getting too technical or scientific about this , let’s just say what we’ve found to be valid:
There definitely is some “force” operating that serves to match you up with someone who’s … well, a match for you. Law of Attraction is as good a term as any for this “force”, but it’s being used interchangeably with terms like the Universe, Providence, Infinite Intelligence, and many more.
When it comes to your love life and relationship, there is DEFINITELY a force like this in play – no two ways about it!
There’s no lack of studies and research to show that we humans have some sort of “vibration” or “frequency” – as do all energy phenomenons – and that this “vibration” has some sort of impact on the reality you find yourself in. Or create, as the case very well might be!
Back to love life and relationship … that is after all what we’re talking about here at LoveWorks:-)
To make a bold statement:
Whatever your current relationship situation – single, married, happily married, miserably married, it’s-complicated – you are indeed a match for it!
We know, that may sound wonderful if you’re doing great, and awful if you’re in an unsatisfying relationship situation.
But make no mistake; how you think and feel have a much more direct impact on your partner, or lack thereof, than you might think. In this post, we’ll stick to a very basic application.
How we know this “force” is indeed in effect is we’ve seen it hundreds and hundreds of times, long before any of us ever heard the term “Law of Attraction”. We stopped counting how many times we’ve had couples in our office where one partner is loudly complaining about the faults and shortcoming of the other partner, while at the same time displaying the EXACT same flaws and shortcomings.
A recent example, let’s call them Amanda and Matt. Amanda is, and has been for a long time, very upset that Matt is “all over the place”, that he says he’ll do this, but doesn’t; that he says he’ll be there at this time, but isn’t; that one day he’s all sweet and loving, but the next day he’s “gone”, totally unavailable. In the conversation, Amanda reveals (as it very frequently happens) that she is basically just like that herself, but (as it very frequently happens), she just can’t see it herself. She reveals that she from the very beginning she didn’t want to be in relationship with someone who has his own business, because it’s too stressful. But she is. She was always very clear that she wouldn’t be with someone who’d been married before. But she is. She insisted from the get-go that she’d never be with someone who couldn’t commit to a fixed schedule of when to be together. But she is. And so on and so forth.
Or the single woman who just can’t understand why no one is responding to her match.com profile, but when we talk a little deeper, it turns out she’s scared out of her wits that someone might actually respond!
The thing with the advice from movies or popular magazines is they’re often deliberately simplified to reach a lot of people. They’re really not intended to be detailed advice on any specific area, such as relationships. Relationships are multi-layered (some might say “bloody complicated”), because people are.
The best initial tip we have for you to begin to see where Law of Attraction is at play in your life is to ask yourself, “How am I just like that?” Or, “How am I a match for that?”
Look at areas of your relationship life that you’d like to improve, let’s say your communication with your partner. Let’s say you’re tired of how much you bicker, and how much your partner judges and criticizes you. Whenever it happens, simply ask yourself, “How am I just like that?”, or, “How might I be a match for that?” And then honestly take a look at yourself.
Granted, this is a very specific and simple application of Law of Attraction, but we want you to start with an everyday, simple area just to get started.
There are infinitely more detailed and subtle ways to leverage the Law of Attraction, but that’s for another post. We’ll just say that we use it deliberately all day, every day, to help us create the love life we want; actually, to create the LIFE we want, period. And it definitely works.