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Monthly Archives: February 2014
Adam and Nina used to be in love. Not just a bit infatuated, no-no, they used to be Soul Mates! Both of them had had longer marriages that had disintegrated, and now, as more mature people, they’d finally met “The One” with whom they felt equally matched, where love-making felt like a blissful merge of Heaven and Earth, and all things seemed possible! Aah, finally!
That was 5 years ago. Now, Nina sent us an email via our “Ask for Advice” form on our website, saying, “We’re so distant. We’ve already decided he’s moving out on Monday. Any last ideas?” As Providence would have it, they lived in a town where on that very same night, Sonika & I were hosting our In Love Again evening. So I replied to Nina, “Just come to our event, you never know, maybe something unexpected will open up for you”. She agreed to invite Adam to come with her.
On that very same day, in our coaching office, another couple, we’ll call them Katie and Peter, were telling a very similar story. Katie and Peter were a beautiful couple, both looking well-groomed and attractive. They’d started out steaming hot, they loved their sex life and how much the enjoyed each other’s company. They used to have sex every morning before they started their day. That was 4 years ago.
The next day, we got a call from Finley, who told a now very familiar story. He’d been married to Luna for 5 years. They were still the best of friends, had great love and respect for each other, no intentions of splitting up or anything like that, but, as he said, “our spark is gone. Our sex life is almost over, it seems, and it’s really getting to us”.
Seeing the pattern? Recognize it from your life?
You can see why we called our free evening In Love Again! At our event, we asked the audience, “What are you biggest questions about love and relationship?” Unsurprisingly, Adam was the loudest one, asking, “How do you sustain it?”
All the couples I’ve mentioned here, all real people (but of course with changed names and details for privacy), had one overarching desire: To be in love again. To have passion again. In other words, to sustain the love they felt they used to have, but now for some reason don’t anymore.
There’s something you should know about this issue. You’ve probably heard it said that falling in love is a form of insanity, but socially acceptable. This is not as far out as it may sound. When you’re first in love, the entire experience of passion, wild abandon, powerful attraction, heightened sexual desire (“really, you’re ready again?”) is in large part – some say entirely – fueled by the cocktail of hormones and chemicals that are coursing through your brain and blood. We talked to a sexologist recently who compared this “chemical cocktail” to heroine or cocaine in terms of addictiveness and pleasure production. It’s powerful stuff!
However, it’s not meant to continue to be a elevated levels in our bodies. (Some experts speculate that Mother Nature made this arrangement so we’d be wildly attracted to each other long enough to mate and see a new child into this world … but she didn’t have any plans for the second, third, fourth, or ten-year anniversaries!).
Here’s my point:
Falling in love is automatic. Staying in love isn’t!
Falling in love happens without any deliberate intention or action on your part! It just happens to you! Like being hit over the head while you’re minding your own business.
Falling in love is the infancy of relationship. It’s fun and passionate and all-round awesome, but it’s not meant to last forever. That’s not to say you can’t create a relationship that stays fun, passionate, and all-round awesome. You absolutely can, but this time, in stark contrast to when you first fell in love, YOU have to create it to be so.
So back to Adam’s question of “How do you sustain it?”
It’s not that difficult to do, but unfortunately it’s not self-evident, and it’s almost impossible to explain in writing (without writing 500 pages, and even then it’s tricky)
Here’s the basis of it:
- Know what you TRULY want (typically not what you think you think you want)
- Learn how to resolve the small and big conflicts that show up in daily life. (if you don’t, they pile up and inevitably kill off your love and sex)
- Interact with yourself and your partner as your Fullest Potential (our term for the best version of you).
- Don’t stop having sex and physical affection (it’s not like you have to keep up the three-times-a-day schedule of the first two months, but you can’t let it wither away, either. It’s too important for that).
- Keep up the “Acts of Love” you did automatically in the beginning.
If you’re in our vicinity, come to our In Love Again evening, or any one of our live events (check them out here ….). In any of them, we put you on the right track and give you real-life, physical experiences of staying in love on purpose.
For now, the simplest one to begin with is the last bullet point above. Remember what you used to do for each other when you first met. What “Acts of Love” did you do, perhaps without even thinking? Simple stuff. Go out to dinner. Talk for hours. Listen with keen interest. Leave love notes around the house. Make meals. Light candles. Make love in the living room. Whatever your favorite Acts of Love from the beginning, if you do them again, they’ll begin to re-create the feelings of love, warmth, and attraction that accompanied them in the past (indeed, those Acts begin to recreate the same chemicals and hormones that were activated in the passionate beginning).
Oh, and the couples mentioned above? Adam and Nina cancelled him moving out and after just that one evening felt so much closer. They came to our Give Yourself to Love weekend a few weeks later, and Adam said, “Wow, I thought we’d lost the magic. We just found it again!”
Peter and Katie came to In Love Again as well. They stopped waiting for the “sex magic” to appear by itself and started doing themselves. They lit up again! They just needed a little help to get it going!
Finley and Luna haven’t had a chance to attend yet. But they will one of these days, and they too will find out to stay in love on purpose. And when they do, they’ll know how much more rewarding and powerful it is when you’re the one doing it!
Yipiiee, V-Day is almost upon us. Time to get the hearts out, send flowers, buychocolates, reserve dinner tables, buy gifts, and make it a special day.
Granted, some of you approach V-Day with considerable dread, either because you don’t know what to do, because you don’t have anyone to spend it with, or because you’re feeling obligated with no true desire to do anything.
[By the way, this post was inspired by our upcoming free evening, Stay In Love: Valentines Day Every Day.
Check it out here … ]
Either way, think about what’s great about V-Day. In the best-case scenario, what is it that’s so wonderful about a day like that?
Well, it’s kinda like being in love again. You make someone feel special. You go out of your way to come up with a delightful evening together. You finally go that that restaurant you’ve been thinking about. You come up with surprises! And of course, someone might make you feel very special, attractive, and loved. Can’t beat that! Just for a day, you feel a bit of magic!
Now, that’s probably a pretty good description of how your relationship was in the beginning, when you were madly in love, and perhaps still dating. You’d do one or all of the above actions for her, right? He’d come up with delicious surprises for you. Magic. For days and weeks and months, however long the “Honeymoon” lasted for you.
Sonika & I have one big quest for ourselves and all the couples and singles we work with: To have the magic and loveliness of Valentine’s never go away!
Way too often, the way your relationship goes follows this sequence in time:
Wow-I’m-so-in-Love-you’re-perfect-to-me => Wow-now-we-live-together-it’s-still-cool-but-quite-different => Wow-I-thought-it’d-be-easier-than-this => Wow-is-this-the-person-I-fell-in-love-with? => Alright-darn-it-I’ll-book-a-table-for-Valentine’s => Can-we-go-back-to-sleep-now?
Or something to that effect. I know I put that in a humorous way, but it’s not actually very funny, because it’s so sad and painful when it’s YOUR relationship.
So for Valentine’s Day, we’ll give you the simplest, most super efficient tip ever to have a relationship that has a lot more Valentine’s spirit to it!
Don’t ever stop doing what you did in the beginning, when you were still in love. And if you’re at a point where you’ve long since stopped all that, start doing it again. Just pick one thing you used to do when you first were courting, and do it again! Then pick another next week. I promise you, it’ll produce great results.
Don’t think too much about it … just pick one and do it. And never mind if it’s a week before V-Day, or a month after. Your partner won’t mind.
I just scheduled Sonika & I for a 4-week dance class (West Coast swing, if you’re interested). Yesterday, we came up with finding retreats or spas within driving distance and reserving a weekend on the first one we find.
Valentine’s Day is the perfect excuse to start doing again what you should have never stopped!
And if you can, come join us for our free evening, Stay In Love: Valentine’s Day Every Day.