Monthly Archives: August 2013
“Working on the relationship is too much work”
“It takes too much time!”
We often hear that from couples and singles as a reason (or excuse) not to work on the relationship. They’ll say they really want to come to our relationship workshop, but they just “can’t find the time”. Or maybe one of them recognizes the need to work on some relationship problems and is eager to do the work required, but the other person is not, and keeps saying, “It’s just too much work; it shouldn’t be this difficult!”
Let me first acknowledge the obvious: It DOES take time. It does take an hour of your time to do an hour’s worth of relationship coaching. It does take a weekend’s worth of your time to go to a weekend relationship workshop. It does take time to read a relationship book.
But that is almost irrelevant.
What IS relevant is …
- What’s the RESULT of the time spent?
- What will happen if you DON’T spend that time?
Consider this …
We have a 14-year-old son. He hates wasting time. He ONLY wants the fun and the result. When he plays basketball he doesn’t want to waste time practicing dribbling or passes. He just wants to make baskets.
Do you think he’s a very good basketball player? Nope. Do you think he’ll ever have a great basketball experience, full of success and accomplishment, if he keeps not practicing dribbling and passes? No, he won’t. He’ll give up entirely, and tell himself, “I’m no good at basketball” or “I’ll never make the team” … because he never took the time to improve.
Whereas it’s not a very big problem for his overall life and wellbeing if he doesn’t make the basketball team, it IS a HUGE problem for you if you don’t make your relationship work. There is now abundant scientific evidence to show that being in a supportive, loving relationship is a major factor in how much money you make, how healthy you are, how well your kids do in life, and how happy you are. As a pointed example of this, I attended a lecture by Dr. Emmett Miller in which he said that for men, it’s a bigger health risk to NOT be in a good relationship than it is smoking a pack of cigarettes a day!
So.…what will happen if you don’t devote the time to work on your relationship?
Let me tell you …
- It will get worse.
- You’ll get less and less of what you want (love, admiration, respect, sex, connection).
- You’ll tell yourself it shouldn’t be this hard
- You’ll get annoyed with your partner
- You’ll wonder if this relationship can work
- You’ll keep settling and suffering …. OR
- You’ll leave and look for another relationship
Now, think about this: How many hours do you devote every week to your work and career? 40? 50? 80? And how many weekends in a year do you end up working or doing trips for work or business? 1? 3? 10? 20?
If you devoted zero hours a week, how long do you think you’d still have a job? Or a business?
If you devote zero hours to your relationship, how long do you think you’ll still have a great relationship?
And NO, just BEING IN RELATIONSHIP does not equal devoting time to your relationship. Merely living together and sleeping in the same bed does not mean you devote any significant time to your relationship. If that were the case, all the couples who shared a bed should have wonderful relationships, and you don’t need to look too hard to know that’s not the case.
You devote time to that which matters to you.
Making money and paying bills and advancing in life matters to you, so you devote a lot of time to making money and working. If you didn’t, what do you think your boss would think about you? He’d obviously think you didn’t care about your job very much, and probably replace you rather quickly.
Having happy, healthy kids matter to you, so you devote a lot of time driving them around, feeding the, playing with them, and so forth.
Living in a nice house matters to you, so you devote time to clean up, make improvements, do remodels.
How much time do you devote to your relationship? Based on that number, how much does the relationship matter to you? Based on that number, how much do you think YOUR PARTNER feels that you care about him or her and your relationship?
You can of course chose to do what most people do….which is devoting no time to your relationship, and then once it gets really bad and you bicker and argue at each other, be sad and pissed and depressed. At which point it will be too late.
Or you can take a wiser path: Consistently devote time to your relationship and have it be a well-oiled machine that hums down the freeway of life, with you reaping all the benefits of fun, companionship, adventure, sex, connection, intimacy and friendship. Which is it? You get to choose.
Being relationship coaches, we’re obviously partial to taking the time to work on your relationship. Not just because that’s our calling in life and our trade, but because that’s how WE create our relationship to be amazing. That’s how we manage to spend almost zero time arguing and dealing with relationship problems. That’s how we’re able to have a partner who is filled up with love and joy, and wants to give back in spades. And that’s how we both have all the love, sex and fun we can dream of. It’s because we take the time!
For starters, go watch the video we made here.
When I find myself closed off to love and to life, my husband’s gentle presence helps me to soften and re-open my heart and my body.
By Sonika Tinker
Christian and I had been busy. Distracted. More in our heads than our hearts and bodies. It didn’t help that we had an incomplete communication in the space – nothing major, but enough to create distance between us. Our bodies had a few weird aches and pains. We weren’t experiencing much flow in our workday, either. We felt a bit flat and off. I was definitely not in my feminine receptive loving flow – more in my masculine “doingness.”
So, last night, we told the truth. Cleared the incomplete communication. Shared our respective feelings of “flat” and “off.” We looked squarely at the changes that need to be made in our business to re-energize us and free us up to do the work we love. We honestly confronted the risks we have been avoiding stepping into.
And then came time for the very much needed “sinking-into” our hearts and bodies with each other in lovemaking.
I surprisingly felt a bit of dread about the whole thing. My body was so closed that mostly I felt like I didn’t want to open. I didn’t want to melt. I could watch my mind wanting to rush out to the kitchen to eat something, to watch something on TV, to check my phone or email for messages – anything to avoid sinking and melting.
I gave in to my mind and left the room. Ate an apple and responded to an email. But I couldn’t put off the inevitable forever.
So, eventually, when it was time for bed, I put on a shirt as a sign of sorts of my guarded, un-open heart. I dared to tell the truth about my resistance to opening. I told Christian I didn’t want to open to him.
Now, thank God, I am with a man who knows my deeper yearning: to melt into love and God through our bodies and hearts in sex. To let go of resistance and be fully present. To love and be fully open in my heart.
So he doesn’t pay much attention to my words, because he is listening to what is underneath my words: “Take me.” “Make me open.” “Melt my closed heart with your love.”
And so he meets my resistance with his strong, yet gentle, persistent presence. I feel the strength of his hands and body as he wraps his arms around me and holds me close.
I push him away, but he stays with me. He kisses my face and neck and keeps holding me.
He kisses me and senses my closed lips. He tries to tease me out. But I turn away from his eyes and lips and try to hide in his chest.
He stops for just a second to see if I am serious, to check if he really should back off. I love that about him — his heightened awareness and sensitivity to my body language and non-verbal communication. His checking in enables me to feel safe. I know if I really wanted him to back off that he would.
But deep inside myself, underneath this closed heart and body, is a desire to truly open and surrender to love, to melt. So I encourage him to stay, to continue to love me in spite of my “shut down.”
He needs that reassurance to proceed. It helps him stay present, helps him know he is doing the right thing.
Quickly reassured, he keeps being there with me, relentless with his kisses and eyes and touch. He knows I will eventually open, that I won’t be able to keep resisting his love, his approaches…
And he is right.
Within minutes, I start to cry. Then sob. My whole body releases the build-up of tension and resistance in my cells through my unstoppable tears. I can feel my body relax more and more through my crying, and my heart begins to soften. He just keeps holding me, telling me it is good that I am crying. He knows that my tears are essential to my opening.
The tears eventually stop, and then I am laughing and looking at him and touching him and opening my mouth and heart and yoni to him, and he meets me there. In this sweet soft open loving powerful presence place. And in the end we are melted and soft, a puddle of love, laying in each other’s arms.
We appreciate God and each other, for this delightful place of love and softness and strength and presence where all is well and good and right….
It never ceases to amaze me how I need to cry to soften myself out of masculine and back into my flowing easy open feminine heart. If he didn’t stay with me—if he took my resistance personally and stopped and turned away—I would never get to drop down into my tears and melt. We would never get to wash away all of the “disconnect” and “re-set” ourselves back to LOVE.
How grateful I am for the transformational power of Presence. And for having a man in my life who can funnel that presence through his eyes and body and call forth the deepest parts of my love. Blessed be.
This experience is a great example of the Law of Attraction: Because we both keep our sights on what we REALLY want – love, connection, pleasure, ease, joy – we don’t allow the “offness” and disconnection to win. We go for love winning!