An interesting thing happens when you love somebody.
You get scared that the relationship will change and the love will stop.
Love and fear go together. In fact, the deeper the love, the deeper the fear.
When my son was in my belly, and later in my arms, I had never felt such deep love and devotion for another being as intensely as I felt for him. My heart was busted open with a doting that could only be described as deep divine worship.
Around the same time, I had recurrent fears of him falling into water and disappearing out of view, forever out of reach from my desperately searching arms. The panic at the thought of losing him was equal to the intensity of my deep love for him.
Similarly, when Christian and I were first in love, I remember feeling close to terror at the thought of losing him. After an intense lovemaking session, where my heart and body had been blown open and surrendered to love’s bliss, I would sob like a baby in fear.
It is natural when you love someone deeply, to want that person to stick around – forever.
It is a sweet desire at first, but it begins to mess things up.
When you love someone deeply and you want them to not reject you or leave you, you start playing it safe. You begin to withhold that thing that might piss them off, you don’t ask for that thing you really want, you don’t initiate that unusual sex position you have always wanted to try, and you don’t talk about that thing they do that drives you nuts.
You shut down more and more and more until your relationship is predictable, safe, and completely devoid of aliveness and passion!
For some of you single folks, your fear prevents you from creating relationship at all. You don’t ask that person you are attracted to out on a date for fear they will say no; you don’t risk making that move to call them on the phone, or to cuddle with them on the couch or to kiss them goodnight, you don’t tell them the truth about how you really feel… Instead you stay home alone safely in anguish, wondering what you should do.
Here is a secret: You cannot have love without fear. They go together.
Fearless love isn’t about not being afraid. It is about loving while being afraid.
Fearless love is about daring to feel – everything. It is about telling the truth to yourself and about yourself. It is about taking risks. It is about taking responsibility for and using everything that shows up to grow your Self.
Fearless love is having the courage to stare squarely at the truth that all relationships transform. Nothing stays the same. Your relationship with your lover will change over time – whether you stay together or not. Your children will leave home. People you love will die.
Christian and I dared from the beginning to tell the truth. I told him the day after we met that I had fantasized about making love with him before falling asleep the night before. He told me he was scared to repeat his old patterns of being sexual and wanted to save himself for the “one”. I told him about my fear of being too old and not pretty enough the first time we were intimate.
Even now, after a decade of living together, we tell the truth, take risks and interrupt patterns. We say things like “I notice I am feeling really irritated right now.” We take trips on the road without knowing where we are going or where we will stay. In the middle of sex, we dare to share a wayward thought. We try different foods and diets. We take on learning new skills, like piano, volleyball and espresso making. Christian recently initiated a couple of new hot lovemaking experiences that added to our already rich sexual variety. When we are sad, we cry and when we are angry, we express. We read books, take courses and participate in a mastermind group that keeps us challenged to step outside our comfort zone. Most of all, we choose daily to generously go out of our way to love and care for each other.
Fear arises when you love deeply, when you take risks and play at the edge of your game, when you dare to speak your truth, ask for what you want, or follow some inspiration. Fear and excitement are brothers. Fear and love are sisters.
Everything in life is temporary. The only constant is change. That can be a scary reality for all of us.
Instead of pushing fear away and trying to play it safe, bring your fear with you when you love. Use it to accentuate your appreciation for the moment. Use it to fuel your courage to be yourself, to take risks and step out. For the ones who do, have the best lives and the best relationships!
Check out our new Fearless Love workshop!
September 25-26 in Corte Madera!!