Couples Case Study: Jennifer & Jeremy
This is a short story of a couple who love each other but found themselves challenged to the limit of their capacity. Hear in their own words what they did to turn their relationship around.
We’re hoping this will be useful to you. If you are like most couples, you just may see yourself in this couple’s story.
Meet Jennifer & Jeremy. They’re both successful in their respective careers, she as a mortgage broker and he as a restaurant manager. They’ve known each other for years, and like all couples, share a deep love.
BUT – like most couples – there’s “stuff” in the way, stuff that drives them crazy and threatens their relationship dream.
In Jennifer’s words …
- They love each other, period. There is love and friendship here.
- There are “non-negotiable” requirements for their relationship. One of them is trust.
- They have problems that they don’t think can be fixed.
What most people do when there are problems too “bad” to fix, is talk about splitting up.
And Jennifer and Jeremy were no different …
- If we don’t know how to fix our problems, the logical choice is to “call it”, like Jeremy says.
- But think about the statement, “don’t know how to fix your problems”. Does that mean the problems are un-fixable, period? Or does it mean, rather, that right now, you don’t have the tools or perspective to fix them?
- Almost always, when you hit a wall – an “un-fixable” problem – it is because you have run out of productive options. If you had better options, you’d use them, right?
Jennifer & Jeremy realized they had run out of options, but were also aware they didn’t really want it to end. So they did something kinda desperate, but a lot better than giving the final death blow to their love.
- They reached out for help!
- Even though their problems seemed insurmountable, they decided it was worth waiting (“coasting”, as Jeremy calls it), until they could get some new input.
Picking up the phone and calling for help may sound trivial, but it’s not!
Because most couples don’t. At least not till it’s too late, or they’ve been unhappy for years. According to Dr. John Gottman, a pre-eminent marital researcher and psychologist,
“ Couples wait — on average — six years before seeking counseling to help resolve their relationship problems.”
Six years! As in 6 years!
Imagine if you had a nagging and serious body injury that was impacting your happiness and ability to function. Would you wait 6 years before you went to the doctor?
Of course not! That would be nuts! Most of us would not tolerate living with pain or injury, especially if there was something we could do about it.
Yet, we tolerate enormous amounts of dysfunction, pain, and unhappiness in our relationship. Which is crazy, because that’s the one place – perhaps aside from work – where you spend the bulk of your life!
If you get nothing out of this case study other than this, it’s worth it: When you run into problems you currently don’t know how to fix, get help. Get education. Get support.
Here are some vital signs to pay attention to.
If ANY of these signs are recurrently present in your relationship, you need support:
- You argue about the same stuff over and over again
- You have little or no touch and affection
- You have little or no sex
- You don’t spend much quality time together
- You like being apart more than together (relieved when you have an excuse to be elsewhere)
- You don’t trust each other
- You have a nagging feeling something’s not right
- Your conversations are mostly about logistics, like who’s shopping or doing chores
- ONE of you isn’t happy. (Note: If ONE of you is not happy or thinks you need help, that means your relationship is not happy and needs help. This is one area where it’s not wise to wait till you both agree.
And full disclosure here. We’re recommending our own relationship training, Give Yourself to Love, to help you turn your relationship around. This is the same course that Jeremy and Jennifer attended. At this course, you will receive a tremendous opportunity for breakthrough, problem-solving, and love revival inside two short days. That said, there are many qualified places to get support. The crucial part is that you get the support you need. Sooner rather than later.
Because “later” means TOO late!
Jennifer & Jeremy almost made the same vital mistake. It actually took them a whole year from the time they head about Sonika & Christian’s work, till they actually got there. They too were “right on the brink”, as Jeremy said, before they reached out. Why? Because, as Jennifer now says with a smirk, “we didn’t want to be around people who were struggling in relationship”.
See the obvious irony?
They made it through the two weeks before the next Give Yourself to Love, the two-day training Christian had recommended they attend.
Not surprisingly, they were apprehensive about it, not knowing exactly what to expect. Here’s a quick impression of their first day at the training
Here is the truth:
- You have to be willing to experience some nervousness and discomfort in order to get help and new tools into your relationship. Discomfort is natural, because like Jennifer and Jeremy, you’re putting yourself in a situation you’ve never been in before. But remember, this kind of discomfort is not nearly as persistent or severe as living for years in unhappiness is. And certainly nowhere near as painful as breakup or divorce!
- Being open to new answers is required. If you think you already have tried everything, or you know everything already, no help will reach you!
Do you sense in Jennifer & Jeremy, that by now, there’s a “crack in the armor”? Meaning, they’ve been stuck and in pain, not knowing what to do. But after just one day of being in the loving environment of the training, some light is starting to shine through?
That’s all you need for the beginning of a breakthrough: A bit of hope, a tiny opening, a ray of hope.
But was just the beginning …
- Hope is the first step to “Love Revival”. How do you get hope? You find new possibilities. Even if you don’t know how to use the new tools yet, if you can believe they exist, there is ground for hope. And when you have hope, you are motivated to keep going.
- Reconnecting to your love is more important than anything else. Problem-solving alone won’t do the trick (although necessary as well).
After Give Yourself to Love, Jeremy & Jennifer knew they didn’t have to split up.
Because they had hope and new options and tools to use. They could see the “un-fixable” problems were in fact fixable.
Jeremy & Jennifer are amazing people. They are dealing with the same kinds of challenges all couples eventually face. But what’s great about these two, and why they thrive with the particular style of work they found at LoveWorks, is they’re people who are committed to their own growth.
They are both committed and passionate about being better people, not just in their relationship, but with their friends, their family, and as professionals in their career.
Give Yourself to Love is not couples therapy, although it accomplishes the same results.
It’s a personal growth education that centers on love and relationship as the focal point. It aims to empower people, period! As you might have discovered, if just one person in a relationship does not feel empowered, and does not know how to live a full potential life, the relationship is less.
Notice how Jennifer & Jeremy express this desire to “be better”, even while honestly exploring the big questions of “are we going to be together forever”?
- No one can dictate how you feel. You’re “driving the bus” of your life.
- When you’re relationship isn’t working and you feel bad about it, it is NOT because of your partner’s behavior. It is because of YOU. To really change things, you need to have access to specific tools and actions you can take to create the love and joy and intimacy you are after!
- How you feel in your relationship bleeds into every other area of life. Good or bad. So when your relationship is suffering, you’re bringing that suffering with you into every corner of your life. The same is true when it’s really jiving – you’re bringing that juice and power and love with you into every corner of your life, like Jeremy mentions.
There’s another reason couples often don’t get support or new input, or just suffer in tense silence:
What do you think about when you hear the words, “Working on our relationship”?
Fun and joy and good times?
Probably not. If you’re like most people, you think of hard work, awkward probing of emotions, drudgery and a very s-e-r-i-o-u-s mood! Not something you really want to get yourself into, eh?
“Working on your relationship” has a terrible reputation, and not undeservedly, either. In fact, this is often your experience with sitting in a counselor’s office.
But check out what Jeremy says about this issue ….
- Working on your relationship can be FUN!
- It can be challenging and fun at the same time. At LoveWorks, we offer an uplifting positive way to deal with your “stuff”!
Then there’s yet another reason couples and individuals hesitate getting support:
We think we should be able to handle it ourselves!
This is especially true for men. We tend to think of needing help as failure and weakness, the two things we despise the most in life, and which we will fight to avoid at pretty much any cost.
But in order to have any form of success in ANY area of life, we have to get over that one! No one goes it alone. We just need other people, period. Not just for relationship purposes (although relationships without other people are kinda pointless). We need support to succeed at work. To help us learn a new workout routine. To grow food for us. To deliver our water and electricity. You name it.
The “Go It Alone” man (or woman) is at best a fantasy. Always was, always will be.
And consider this (I’m talking to you, men!): Which is the weaker man? The one who stubbornly denies there’s a problem in his relationship or marriage, and clenches his teeth as his love life falls apart? Or the man who admits he needs some help figuring this “relationship stuff” out and does what it takes to make it work?
Here’s the thing …
There’s no faster way to get to your goals and dreams than to surround yourself with good people that will have your back and root for your success.
That means having mentors you trust and a community of people who see you at your best, no matter what!
If it’s just you and your partner at home, no other input, it’s darn near impossible to make any substantial change. It’s like having only a hammer and screwdriver for every job you try to get done. Yeah, you can get a bit of work done, but it’s ridiculously inefficient, and pretty soon, you get really frustrated if you don’t have your full toolbox at your disposal.
Watch what Jeremy and Jennifer say …
This was the last video of Jennifer & Jeremy we have. This was two months ago. And guess what? They are successfully rebuilding trust and creating the kind of relationship they have both dreamed of. They are more committed and connected and happier than ever. In fact, they declared they wanted to create a family and future together and within just a week or two, found out they were pregnant! Their renewed love and faith in each other, and subsequent commitment wouldn’t have happened if he had walked out the door that day and not called for relationship support!
Jennifer & Jeremy would be the first people to tell you they’re not perfect. They’ll be the first to acknowledge they made mistakes in the past, and have broken trust with each other.
But what’s so inspiring about them is they’re not letting it take them down, either as individuals or as a couple. On the contrary, they’re using their mistakes to grow and learn from. They are learning how to resolve conflicts, how to take responsibility and clean up messes from the past, how to move with trust and integrity and responsibility going forward. They are discovering how to create all of the love, passion and joy they long for in a safe intimate environment. They are becoming experts at creating a powerful, loving relationship, and being the best partners they can be!
Are you inspired by Jennifer & Jeremy’s example?
If so, we’d like to give you the option to do what they did:
Attend our Give Yourself to Love course.
CLICK HERE to go to the dedicated Give Yourself to Love website and watch the video we made for you about the course
Like these two amazing people are modeling for us, you don’t have to know all the answers before you decide to move forward and strengthen your relationship. You can have fun and improve while you figure out a better to love and live with each other.
If you’re interested in getting started like they did, at Give Yourself to Love, click here … !
Before we go, we’d like to give a big thank you to Jeremy and Jennifer for sharing your story with us, for your commitment, resolve and love that has already inspired so many. We love you guys, and we’re so excited for your future! You’re going to make fabulous, loving, mature parents!