Category Archives: Marriage Counseling

Complaining For Change

“You don’t listen to me!”
“What are you talking about, I’m right here in front of you … “

Sonika and I did a presentation this week for a group of couples and singles in Sacramento. We played out a typical interaction between partners. One of the couples in the group said, “We literally had that exact same fight this week. Have you guys been in our house?”

We hadn’t been in their house:) But we have been inside their relationship, and thousands of other relationships.

The conversation went something like this:

“You don’t listen to me!”
“What are you talking about, I’m right here in front of you … “
“That’s not the point. Look at you, with your arms crossed, all stiff, you’re not really listening”
“Want me to repeat every word you just said?”
“No! You’re being all defensive, can you just listen for once?”
“So I’m not doing it right, is that it? It doesn’t matter what I do, it’s not right for you!”
“See, you’re doing it again! Making it all about you when I’m trying to tell you something about me”
“Well, if you actually cared about what I think … “

From here, you can imagine how the rest of the interaction goes. More arguing back and forth, more disconnection as each one tries to get their point across.

A simple argument like this illustrates what pretty much every person in this world does to problem solve their relationship:

They bring up an issue they think needs to change, in this example, “You don’t listen to me”.

When I’m the one bringing up an issue, I think I’m just presenting an obvious problem, in a calm and reasonable manner.

But in the ears and eyes of the recipient, “bringing up an issue” like this sounds like nothing but complaining, blaming, and criticizing.

Why do I bring up an issue? In the hopes it’ll improve our relationship. In the hopes that you’ll get my point, agree with me, and change your behavior (to one I like better).

We call this strategy Complaining For Change.

Everyone uses this strategy in every relationship. With spouses, dates, ex’s, co-workers, employees, family members, you name it.

It’s like a bad movement that went viral long before anyone heard of Facebook.

It’s the #1 default strategy we use to improve our relationships. And it consequently, always, no-exceptions-ever, backfires.

The whole strategy rests upon a fantasy. The fantasy is, if you say, “You don’t listen” to your partner, that he’ll go, “Really! OMG, I’m so sorry I haven’t been listening you to. I’m such a doofus. You deserve to be listened to all the time, and every word you speak is gold to me. I promise it will never happen again, I’m really sorry about that, I love you, baby! Tell me again, what did you want me to hear?”

But has that ever happened in real life?

Nope, never!

We use the example of “You don’t listen”, but you can insert any other topic or issue.

“Am I the only one cleaning up around here?”
“Do you really have to spend that much money on clothes?”
“We really need to talk about the stuff in the garage!”
“Why don’t you want have sex anymore?”
“You’re going out with your friends again!?”

Or with our kids, we say things like, “Your room is a mess”, with the fantasy that they’ll go, “Oh, I’m sorry, dad, I’ll get it cleaned up right now, thanks for telling me”.

What actually does happen when someone tells you, “You never listen to me”? Do you want to listen more? Or less? What actually happens when you tell your kids, “Your room is a mess”? Defensiveness, resistance, more arguing.

When we complain for change, we make things worse.

As a matter of fact, we end up with less of the very thing we were trying to get more of. It produces the exact opposite of what we were hoping for.

“You never listen” produces less listening.
“Why don’t we ever have sex anymore?” produces less sex (Think about it, are you more or less attracted to your partner when he/she says that?)

Complaining For Change is basically a relationship tragedy.

It’s meant to make our relationships better, with more love, connection, and friendship. But instead it grinds down our love, patience, and good will and produces more of the problems we’re trying to solve.

So what to do instead?

We recommend two simple tips (granted, not always so simple to practice).

1. Quit Complaining For Change
2. Find and deliver specific appreciations

We mean #1 very literally. Just quit it. Knock if off. Don’t ever do it again.

Next time you catch yourself complaining, you’re better off zipping it and not saying another word.

Because everything you say after that point is only taking your further down a negative rabbit hole. You already know you’re not going to like where it’s taking you, so stop going in that direction.

As to #2, find and deliver specific appreciations, it’s the fastest and most effective antidote to Complaining For Change. It’s like kryptonite.

Sure, it’s not meant to fix all your relationship issues, nor are we recommending that you don’t deal with your legitimate challenges. But until you have a better method than complaining, you’re better off not talking about your problems and making things worse.

Whether it’s your spouse, date, brother, sister, anyone, find something to appreciate about that person and tell them.

Appreciations are to human beings like water and sun is to a plant. Without them, we wilt. With appreciations, we puff up and shine. Delivering appreciations uplifts the other person and supports them to be and bring out their best.

More importantly, it forces your mind to look for something you like in your life. It gets your focus off of what you don’t like. Every time you find something specific to appreciate, you’re reminding yourself that you actually have some of what you want in your life and relationships, that it is not all crap, and that uplifts YOU.

Every appreciation feeds BOTH of you, and you actually begin to create an upward spiral of positivity in your relationship.

This appreciation practice will disappear a good bunch of your problems. Most breakdowns stem from one or both of you not feeling seen, loved, valued and appreciated. As for the rest of your issues, your head and heart will be in a much better place to deal with … anything. With love and appreciation as the frame, it is more possible to work on your challenges together or by yourself.

Try it. Many couples have saved their marriages from implementing these two steps alone. Parents have had breakthroughs with their children. Co-workers have had miraculous shifts in their relationships at work.

And then get help for effectively dealing with the genuine conflicts and problems that inevitably show up in every relationship. So you can use them to bring you closer to one another, instead of farther apart!

For that purpose, consider attending our two-day Give Yourself to Love training. It offers powerful cutting-edge paradigm shifts and practical tools for improving relationships that stay with you for the rest of your relationship life!

You can save $700 per ticket in October!

More here: loveworksforyou.com/gytl

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

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Clean or Messy?

I’m a clean freak … (Sonika speaking).

There is nothing I like more than looking around and seeing everything neatly in its place. I feel free. Like there is nothing in my environment telling me to what to do. I can relax and follow my inspiration.

I am one of those people who will clean up your glass and put it away before you are finished drinking from it. Just the other day, Christian and I were hanging out in the kitchen. Christian turned around and said, “Where’s my tea cup?” You guessed it. I’d already put it in the dishwasher.

Needless to say, my clean streak can drive other people crazy.

Some people are not so clean and tidy. They leave things out and undone. They may have piles of paper and projects out and about, clothes on chairs or floors, counters full of stuff.

These people tend to drive neat freaks crazy.

Clean or messy – what side of the scale are you on?

This topic is one of several debates that can lead to countless fights and upsets in relationship. It can even be a deal breaker for some, and lead to separation and divorce.

So what to do when you and your partner (or parents or kids or roommate or friend) are at different ends of the clean-messy spectrum? How do you come up with a way to be together that works?

That is a big question, with many possible solutions.

In this video, we give you one idea that just might help…

Enjoy!
Sonika & Christian

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We believe relationships are meant to be fun and easy, enlivening and empowering, passionate and fulfilling. With our unique and practical approach to relationship, you learn how to resolve conflicts quickly and easily, to understand and forgive one another, and to step into love whenever you want. Click here to get free video tips on love, sex, intimacy, communication, and more.

If you liked this, you might also like:
Restoring Intimacy
Love and Giving in Relationship
Keeping Love Alive

 

Posted in Conflicts, Couples, Marriage, Marriage Counseling | Leave a comment

Not Getting Enough Love In Your Relationship?

Love gives!

This is never more obvious than at the beginning of relationship.

When in love, we are generous with our giving. We bestow upon our beloved an abundance of touch and attention. We offer gifts and love notes and phone calls. We make love for hours. We listen to each other with great rapture and divulge all of our secrets. We make delicious meals for each other and delight over the sharing of food together. We fix things that are broken when we know it will bring relief or joy. We are willing to go out of our way for each other. We can’t wait to show and express our love.

When newly in love, we mistakenly believe it is the OTHER who makes us feel so blissfully charged with love and generosity. We do not see that it is the act of loving itself that produces such joy!

We LOVE to give! It is where we are at our best. It is where we are the most connected. It is where we are the most expansive. In truth, it is who we ARE to give to another.

As relationship proceeds, we give less and less. We don’t see it, but we begin to focus more on getting than giving.

It begins when our partner doesn’t do what we expect or want. We feel hurt, disappointed, angry, afraid or sad. Old wounds resurface. We don’t want to feel the pain so we close ourselves off from our feelings. Unfortunately, when we close ourselves off from our feelings, we close off our love too.

In our confusion, we think the path to feeling love again is to change our partner. We have to get him or her to quit doing that thing that hurts. So we focus on trying to GET our partner to change, to meet our expectations. In a word, we try to GET them to give to us. We try to GET them to keep their agreements, to commit, to help around the house more, to make love, to listen to us, to show their love to us like they used to.

Our partner is doing the same to us. Trying to GET us to give to them.

Unfortunately, at this point, no one is giving. Both of us are trying to GET.

In trying to GET, the flow of love is cut off. Generosity ceases.

And we feel terrible when we are not abundantly giving to those we love. We have inadvertently disconnected ourselves from our hearts, from who we really are. It is this disconnection from love that kills us. It is this disconnection from love that kills the relationship.

We mistakenly believe we have fallen out of love because of our partner’s unwillingness to give. If only he or she would_______ (fill in the blank), then I would still be in love.

But it is actually our own unwillingness to give, our own focus on trying to GET that has taken us out of love.

Many of us leave our partners in search of another, and repeat the process over and over again.

We don’t see that GIVING and RECEIVING is at the heart of feeling this blissful state of love.

So take note. One of the fastest ways back to love is to give again. Give Fast. Give Freely. Give Frequently. Give what YOU want to receive.

Khalil Gibran said: “Generosity is not giving me that which I need more than you do, but it is giving me that which you need more than I do.”

When you give what YOU want to receive, you will begin to BE your best self again, and love will flow like it did.

And here is another crucial piece of relationship advice. Notice how your partner gives to you. Take your attention off of all the places love is missing, and put your appreciation on where love IS. Express your gratitude and appreciation to your partner for their expressions of love. When you do, something surprising will happen. Your partner will be inspired to give MORE.

If you want to fall in love again, get the flow of generous giving going again. It is not only the way back to love, it is love itself!

Here are a few quotes to enjoy.

“There’s a great joy in my giving. It’s thrilling. It’s exhilarating. It’s important to be a part of sharing. It is my love. It is my joy.”
W. Clement Stone

“Remember that the happiest people are not those getting more, but those giving more.”
H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

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Don’t You Hate It When He …. ?

Don’t you hate it when he says, “I’m fine”, but you know there’s something going on? Don’t you hate it when he insist on staying in denial and just keeps saying, “I’m okay!” when it’s obvious to you that he’s either lying or being oblivious?

And don’t you hate it when you’re minding your own business, and she comes over and starts prodding you with, “Is everything okay?” or, “Is there something we should talk about”? And don’t you hate it when you say, “No, I’m fine, really, nothing’s going on”, and she just keeps on pressing and pressing, and pretty soon you end up arguing about absolutely nothing!

Don’t you hate it when he just wants to go to bed and “sleep on it”, but you’re laying there totally unable to sleep with all that emotion running. You just want to talk it out, so you can go to bed at ease, feeling connected again, and sleep in the knowledge that you’re okay.

And don’t you hate it when she has to make a big deal of everything and talk-talk-talk but you have to get up at 5:30 am and you really do need some sleep? And if you could just sleep on it, it would probably pass all by itself, since it was nothing important to begin with?

Obviously, the differences between men and women could fill a whole library of books (and has!). Here, we want to point out a crucial difference, that trips up most of us at different times, and that is our different responses to feeling stressed, or triggered.

Both women and men under stress aim for reducing their stress levels, in that way we’re all the same. We all want to feel less stressed and calm ourselves down.

But HOW we do it is totally opposite. As a matter of fact, it’s one of those places where you might wonder if Nature screwed up just a bit, because how women and men attempt to reduce their respective stress levels seem to only INCREASE the stress when they’re taken together.

In short, women try to make themselves feel better by talking, connecting, coming closer, sharing. Men, on the opposite hand, try to accomplish the same result by going inwards, going to silence, having internal conversations in their head, or “taking space”.

You can see how a woman and man in relationship would trigger each other more when they try to reduce their own stress levels, yes? The more she tries to talk and connect, the less space he has to make himself feel better. And the more he tries to “take space” or go away, the more it seems to her that he’s avoiding her, and she has to talk louder and pull on him, and he gets even more stubborn, and she gets louder …. it’s a mess!

It’s not all hopeless, of course. Watch the short video for a few simple, powerful ideas for having the whole thing be easier.

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A Quick Masterful Tool To Feel Better

I just read a great book written by Harvard psychologist Shawn Achor. It’s called The Happiness Advantage. In essence, the book systematically lists the measurable advantages of “priming” your mind to be positive, or in other words, happy. This book is written mostly for use in your career and for businesses, but it of course translates directly to your personal, intimate relationships.

The author lists countless studies where test subjects are first “primed” with either negative, neutral, or positive emotions, and then asked to perform tasks of varying difficulty. Over and over again, the positively primed subjects outperform the others. Doctors make better and faster diagnosis, random people find money prizes faster, Harvard students score higher grades, on an on it goes.

The whole message is: Happiness is not just a fancy luxury, it’s the most efficient state of mind to get anything done, achieve your highest performance, and live a happy, healthy life. Now proven by science (so it’s gotta be true!)

We of course wholeheartedly agree, because many of our waking hours are dedicated to figuring out and inventing better and faster ways for you to feel better in your relationship, no matter your circumstances.

One of the best and fastest, and certainly easiest, ways to do that we learned from Abraham-Hicks. it’s called the Wouldn’t-It-Be-Great-If Game. It’s brilliant in its innocent simplicity, and it flat out works! Watch the video to see it demo’ed …

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Where Are You The Same?

This gallery contains 3 photos.

When you argue or have repeated, heated “discussions”, you are most often very present to all the places where you and your partner are different! After all, if you weren’t different, if you didn’t have differing stances, you wouldn’t be having any problems, right?

So if only you weren’t so different, your relationship would be easier. Or so it sure seems! How often have you or a friend of yours ended a relationship with the reasoning, “We’re just too different!”?

Well, you’re right! You are different. And that is not likely to change any time soon. Perhaps when you’re dead, but we’re not even sure about that one (eye witness reports are scarce:)

Your differences are not necessarily a problem at all, but it does take a bit of conscious practice to not get consumed with them. Especially when there’s conflict and the emotional temperature is rising.

But the fact is, the more you talk about, point out, notice, and declare your differences, the more distant and separate you feel from one another.

So, a simple way to change things around is this: Look for where you are the same! You’ll find lots and lots of examples.

Watch the video for more examples and background!

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Stop Talking About Your Problems

We’ve all been there … you have the same pointless conversations and dumb arguments over and over again. Every time, you (silently) ask yourself, “Why are we even having this conversation again?”

You hope that by talking about it it’ll finally be resolved and go away. But it hasn’t – obviously – or you wouldn’t be having this conversation again!

Once you’ve reached the point where you’re just repeating the same-ol’-same-ol’, you might as well stop talking about your problems! If you haven’t solved the issue by talking about it for years and years, you’re not going to solve it until you find and learn a better way to do it.

So for now, stop talking about it! Watch the video for more …

NOTE: We’re in no way suggesting you don’t deal with your legitimate problems and frustrations!

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Conflicts Ruin Your Relationship!

Wouldn’t it be great if you could just once and for all settle your disagreements, resolve your conflicts, and then be done with it, forever! Aaaah, what peace!

This is the state most of us aim for in our relationships. We talk and talk and talk; fight, argue, yell, withdraw, and nag in the vain hope (or “secret fantasy” as we call it) that one day we’ll get it settled and we can rest.Couple Having Arguement At Home

[Speaking of conflicts, check out our free evening, Connecting Through Conflict]

If you’ve been in any significant relationship lasting more than a few months, or at least past the Honeymoon Phase, you know very well that that conflict-free day never arrives.

We had a couple in our office the other day. Beautiful couple, well-spoken, pleasant demeanor, intelligent and well-intentioned. And they’d been arguing ever since the honeymoon ended years ago, about pretty much the same stuff over and over again.

We want to tell you what we told them, for starters. It may sound overly simple, but until you really let this sink in, you’re set up to have the same conflicts continue in a never-ending, life-sucking loop.

  1. The ONLY reason you keep having the same arguments and frustrating conversations over and over again is that you don’t have a reliable and effective way to deal with your conflicts. If you did, you wouldn’t need to have the same argument twice, ever!
  2. If you’ve been having the same fights and arguments over and over again, you can know with certainty that the way you’re going about it is inefficient at best, pointless and counterproductive at worst.
  3. Until you find and learn a reliable, effective way to deal with your conflicts, you may as well stop talking about them, because chances are every time you do, you just end up more frustrated!
  4. Stop wishing for conflicts to go away. They won’t! As a matter of fact, you don’t even want them to go away, not really. Contrary to what most of us automatically believe, having conflicts is not a sign that something is wrong with you, your partner, or your relationship. Your conflicts are actually born of your commitments and desires, and can and should be used for the purpose of deepening intimacy and strengthening your trust.

 
Granted, it does take some skill to navigate conflicts with grace and efficiency. But I’ll tell you, if we could give only one gift to any couple (or anyone in relationship, period), amongst all the crucial and must-have skills and traits that exist, we’d give them the skill and ability to deal with their conflicts in a good way.

Even if you have everything else going for you, if you don’t have the conflict-piece down, your chances of lasting love and easy happiness are extremely slim. The road to happy-ever-after is strewn with the carcasses of potentially wonderful relationships that expired because the little conflicts mounted and took the hopeful lovers out! And it’s just unnecessary to be taken down by the everyday conflicts, which are inevitable and which will be part of your relationship for as long as you’re together.

Lastly, we want to give you a new way to begin to think about your conflicts. This shift alone has made a massive difference for so many people (us included).

Your conflicts don’t happen TO you. They happen FOR you.

Conflicts show up for you, and for your relationship. What they’re designed to do is let you know that something new wants to happen in your life and in your relationship.

So moving forward, when your next conflict shows up, instead or arguing about it, or doing whatever you’ve been doing up till this point, ask yourself and each other, “If this conflict really were showing up FOR me/us, what would it want to tell me/us?” What is the “new” that wants to happen here?

Don’t resist your conflicts. Use them for a good purpose!

A few next steps to consider ….

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We Used To Be In Love, But Now … ?

Adam and Nina used to be in love. Not just a bit infatuated, no-no, they used to be Soul Mates! Both of them had had longer marriages that had disintegrated, and now, as more mature people, they’d finally met “The One” with whom they felt equally matched, where Middle-aged couplelove-making felt like a blissful merge of Heaven and Earth, and all things seemed possible! Aah, finally!

That was 5 years ago. Now, Nina sent us an email via our “Ask for Advice” form on our website, saying, “We’re so distant. We’ve already decided he’s moving out on Monday. Any last ideas?” As Providence would have it, they lived in a town where on that very same night, Sonika & I were hosting our In Love Again evening. So I replied to Nina, “Just come to our event, you never know, maybe something unexpected will open up for you”. She agreed to invite Adam to come with her.

On that very same day, in our coaching office, another couple, we’ll call them Katie and Peter, were telling a very similar story. Katie and Peter were a beautiful couple, both looking well-groomed and attractive. They’d started out steaming hot, they loved their sex life and how much the enjoyed each other’s company. They used to have sex every morning before they started their day. That was 4 years ago.

The next day, we got a call from Finley, who told a now very familiar story. He’d been married to Luna for 5 years. They were still the best of friends, had great love and respect for each other, no intentions of splitting up or anything like that, but, as he said, “our spark is gone. Our sex life is almost over, it seems, and it’s really getting to us”.

Seeing the pattern? Recognize it from your life?

You can see why we called our free evening In Love Again! At our event, we asked the audience, “What are you biggest questions about love and relationship?” Unsurprisingly, Adam was the loudest one, asking, “How do you sustain it?”

Great question!

All the couples I’ve mentioned here, all real people (but of course with changed names and details for privacy), had one overarching desire: To be in love again. To have passion again. In other words, to sustain the love they felt they used to have, but now for some reason don’t anymore.

There’s something you should know about this issue. You’ve probably heard it said that falling in love is a form of insanity, but socially acceptable. This is not as far out as it may sound. When you’re first in love, the entire experience of passion, wild abandon, powerful attraction, heightened sexual desire (“really, you’re ready again?”) is in large part – some say entirely – fueled by the cocktail of hormones and chemicals that are coursing through your brain and blood. We talked to a sexologist recently who compared this “chemical cocktail” to heroine or cocaine in terms of addictiveness and pleasure production. It’s powerful stuff!

However, it’s not meant to continue to be a elevated levels in our bodies. (Some experts speculate that Mother Nature made this arrangement so we’d be wildly attracted to each other long enough to mate and see a new child into this world … but she didn’t have any plans for the second, third, fourth, or ten-year anniversaries!).

Here’s my point:

Falling in love is automatic. Staying in love isn’t!

Falling in love happens without any deliberate intention or action on your part! It just happens to you! Like being hit over the head while you’re minding your own business.

Falling in love is the infancy of relationship. It’s fun and passionate and all-round awesome, but it’s not meant to last forever. That’s not to say you can’t create a relationship that stays fun, passionate, and all-round awesome. You absolutely can, but this time, in stark contrast to when you first fell in love, YOU have to create it to be so.

So back to Adam’s question of “How do you sustain it?”

It’s not that difficult to do, but unfortunately it’s not self-evident, and it’s almost impossible to explain in writing (without writing 500 pages, and even then it’s tricky)

Here’s the basis of it:

  • Know what you TRULY want (typically not what you think you think you want)
  • Learn how to resolve the small and big conflicts that show up in daily life. (if you don’t, they pile up and inevitably kill off your love and sex)
  • Interact with yourself and your partner as your Fullest Potential (our term for the best version of you).
  • Don’t stop having sex and physical affection (it’s not like you have to keep up the three-times-a-day schedule of the first two months, but you can’t let it wither away, either. It’s too important for that).
  • Keep up the “Acts of Love” you did automatically in the beginning.

If you’re in our vicinity, come to our In Love Again evening, or any one of our live events (check them out here ….). In any of them, we put you on the right track and give you real-life, physical experiences of staying in love on purpose.

For now, the simplest one to begin with is the last bullet point above. Remember what you used to do for each other when you first met. What “Acts of Love” did you do, perhaps without even thinking? Simple stuff. Go out to dinner. Talk for hours. Listen with keen interest. Leave love notes around the house. Make meals. Light candles. Make love in the living room. Whatever your favorite Acts of Love from the beginning, if you do them again, they’ll begin to re-create the feelings of love, warmth, and attraction that accompanied them in the past (indeed, those Acts begin to recreate the same chemicals and hormones that were activated in the passionate beginning).

Oh, and the couples mentioned above? Adam and Nina cancelled him moving out and after just that one evening felt so much closer. They came to our Give Yourself to Love weekend a few weeks later, and Adam said, “Wow, I thought we’d lost the magic. We just found it again!”

Peter and Katie came to In Love Again as well. They stopped waiting for the “sex magic” to appear by itself and started doing themselves. They lit up again! They just needed a little help to get it going!

Finley and Luna haven’t had a chance to attend yet. But they will one of these days, and they too will find out to stay in love on purpose. And when they do, they’ll know how much more rewarding and powerful it is when you’re the one doing it!

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Foot in your mouth!

Foot in your mouth

We’ll start with a joke:

A man with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He immediately notices that the guy next to him also has a black eye.

He says to him, “Hey this is a coincidence: we both have black eyes. Mind if I ask how you got yours?”

So the guy tells him: “Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the biggest breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying: I’d like a ticket to Pittsburgh, I said: I’d like a picket to Tittsburgh. Then she socked me a good one.”

The first guy responded, “That’s amazing. Mine was a tongue twister accident, too. I was at the breakfast table with my wife. I meant to say, Could you please pass me the cereal, but I accidentally said: You self-centered bitch, you’ve ruined my life!”

Ever put your foot in your mouth? In the sense that you meant to say one thing, but what came out of your mouth sounded totally different? You didn’t mean to say anything offensive or hurtful, but afterwards it became obvious you actually made some damage?

Speaking from a man’s point of view, I’ll freely admit I’ve done that more times than I care to remember. Big feet in my mouth! (In my native Danish, we call it “stepping in the spinach patch”).

Then what do you do?

Well, for one, you start out by apologizing and stating the obvious. “I’m so sorry, that’s came out all wrong. That is not what I meant to say at all”. Sure, that may not repair all the damage, but it’s a damn good start. You then can make the request to start the repair immediately by saying, “Would you be willing to hear what I really meant to say?”

Watch the video.

Then share in the comments when you’ve put your foot in your mouth, and what happened!

 

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